MamaSaid

(mouth gaping open...lost look on face...) I...I...I simply don't know where to start.

Okay. Yep. From the beginning.

As an end-of-the-school-year and Christmas present to my daughter Ivy and her schoolmates Jaye and Bryce (names changed to protect their innocence), I drove them down to Warrnambool to see TWILIGHT. My excitable and giggly crew enjoyed the flick, and we headed down the street to eat somewhere to talk about how cute the guy was who played Edward.

"Hey! There's La Porchetta on the corner. Anyone up for Italian?" "YEAH!"

Now, I was *determined* to not have a miserable experience at La Porchetta. The last time I dined at one of these franchises some couple years ago in Melbourne, my meal was served 15 minutes after everyone else's, and it was pretty substandard fare. The atmosphere was noisy and the staff seemed really unorganised, or maybe just indifferent. Just not too pleasant a time.

Surely, some years later and a different location, things would have improved?

We were greeted by a friendly and smiley young lady. I asked to be seated in the corner, away from most of the other diners as I know Ivy and her friends can get loud and disruptive once excitable and giggly as they were. No worries, the corner was fine.

Jaye ordered a pasta dish while Ivy and Bryce ordered individual pizzas. Being that I'm a picky eater and usually a nightmare to dine with, I ordered nothing but a coffee. And, of course, I still don't know how to order a coffee in Australia. In America you just say "coffee" and you get a mug of weak Superior Coffee (registered); in Australia you need to be specific. I like my coffee strong and black and unsweetened. That's either a "short black" or "long black"...I think. Anyway, I ordered a short black, and that was actually an espresso in a small cup. Not bad.

Bryce and Ivy's pizzas came first, but Ivy's was the wrong pizza. She'd ordered the Marinara but instead got the Margherita. The pizza was sent back and we waited another 10 minutes for the Marinara. Jaye's pasta still hadn't come. Bryce is nearly finished with her pizza when I walk up to the counter and say that we're still waiting on a pasta dish. Well, it was never ordered! Gah...all right, so I take the menu back over to Jaye, who's changed her mind now anyway after watching Bryce and Ivy gobble up their pizzas, and ask her to pick a pizza. She orders something that can be made fast (good kid), the Focaccia with Cheese. The head waitress apoligises and makes excuses ("New staff..." and blah-blah-blah) and puts the order in. About seven minutes later Jaye gets her meal, Ivy's finished and wants to order a dessert, and Bryce is being a good sport but has finished her meal a while ago and is getting bored. No one looks over at us, no one comes to collect dishes and asks how we're doing and would we like anything else...? At this point I'm really pissed off. Jaye eats half her meal and asks to have the rest wrapped to take away. I collect her dish and hand it to the head waitress up at the counter. She apoligises again but I'm not really too impressed and ask to speak with the manager.

A tiny Italian man, he does the same thing...he apoligises and makes excuses. A sort of uncomfortable silence between us as I wait for him to offer me something, as any sorry business owner would if he'd ever like to keep me as a satisfied customer. But nothing. He just looks down at the pizzas he's slicing and putting into takeaway boxes, shaking his head with a smirk on his face.

The silence between us is downright embarrassing at this point. "I'd like for you to knock down the bill a bit," I suggested to him. He claimed to not have heard what I said. I wasn't sure if the wording was unrecognisable in my American accent, so I re-phrased. "I'd like for you to give me a discount on these meals."

He begrudgingly agreed. Everything for a tenner.

But, OMG! It was like pulling teeth! Aaarrrgghhh!

It's so laughable now, several hours later. But I was just so livid as I walked out. I mean, I SO wanted to have a good time and not have any dramas to ruin this mini-girl's night out. I even avoided MY drama by not ordering a meal for myself...but it STILL ended up being nightmarish.

Egads. As my mate Junior, back in the days of Fuel Cafe in Milwaukee, would say: "Stick a fork in me--I'm done."